Insomnia is a beast unto itself and I hate it.

Last night I slept an amazing 8.5 hours.

Blissful sleep that was craved for after several nights of not being able to sleep. I know many have written about the unforgiving nature of insomnia before, but I figure I’d add my voice into the mix. The first night not sleeping well, if any at all, usually goes by slowly. A slow drip of thoughts like “I wish I could sleep, I wish I could experience the unconsciousness that brings rest. I do not like being awake.”

Then it gets a little worse with each passing second stretching into what feels like minutes and days, thoughts of the past things you’ve done, the future things you would like to do, and the never ending cascading memory hole that widens and feels as if it will swallow you whole. In these dark hours, trying desperately to sleep, to cling to some measure of unconscious bliss, my mind often wanders off into bad memories, sad memories, angry memories.

It is like the brain is raging against the time and space I have so far experienced and the time that is to come. As if by thinking it will somehow free itself from the bindings of normal time, and of the unending march forward. Silly brain, you are here to just be until one day you won’t.

In any case, the first night is of disturbed attempts to find somnolence so that sleep can be accomplished. Usually this is done a few moments before the alarm sounds and the day must begin. Grinding to work in the never ending cycle of doing tasks to make money to afford to eat so you can go back the next day and just do it all over again. And again. And again. The free animal that once hunted on the plains or gathered food from the bushes, or just died when they were sick before modern medicine is instead jailed to routine and the ever expanding infinite growth lie that is our modern working.

So you grumble and get your ass out of bed and go get ready for work because that is all you have to look forward to. Everything hurts a little more with the lack of sleep. Everything bites a little harder. The lights burn your eyes, the cold water recoils your skin just that bit more, your eyes look like you feel in the mirror as you stare at yourself and wonder if you should take that sick day you keep saying you will take.

You don’t. You need to get to work, don’t you.

So you drive to work, or get lucky enough to have someone else do the driving if you have a bus to take, or a really great partner in life. You feel like your brain is melting, your morning is rough but it is nothing compared to the afternoon grind. After lunch your body starts to shut down, the tendrils of sleep tease you. The thought of “Oh, when I get home I will go to sleep and it will be great, I will get a full night’s sleep tonight!” lies at you.

It is a lie if you’re unlucky anyways.

The night comes early in this terrible winter season, darkness when you left for work, darkness when you get home. But the darkness feels nicer when you are home because you don’t have the harsh headlights burning holes and stabbing daggers into your brain anymore. The drive home is always brutal.

You do your routine, brush your teeth (at least I hope you do) and then you go to bed. You lay down on your pillow, all snuggled up, comfortable, cool sheets in a warm bed. You’ve even taken your emergency nite-nite pills and just want the embrace of sleep to wrap you up and spit you out in the morning refreshed and ready to take on a day!

Except you’ve never felt more awake in your life now.

In fact, you’re so awake, you wonder what the fuck is wrong with your brain.

You haven’t slept in over 24 hours and your mind suddenly has all these ideas, all these thoughts! It wants to explode with epiphany after epiphany! The charge makes you feel almost godlike in your sudden clarity in thought – but you don’t care right now! Right now all you want is some god damn sleep! “Oh shit!” you say “I just want to sleep! Turn that noise off!”

Your brain, even after being chemically numbed, still says “Nah.”

And so you suffer a second night. A second night desperately wanting to sleep or even to die just to end the painless pain that is your brain being tortured by lack of sleep and the sudden burst of explosive energy. Maybe you get frustrated and cry out? Maybe you get frustrated and just cry. Maybe you just say fuck it, and take the sick day. If you have one.

Maybe you just go to work.

Day 2 arrives like a monster. Your nerves are frayed. Every smile someone gives you makes you want to lash out and scream “What do you have to smile about! I haven’t slept in two days! Fuck you!” but being a semi-sane person you probably don’t do that. In any case you barely survive the day mentally, working on all the backups and redundancies to keep you looking normal you have. Task lists, notes, maybe you snort coffee. I gave up caffeine years ago myself.

Finally the day rolls past the big 12:00 and your energy is gone. You are a dead fish being puppeted by stress, anxiety, and fear of job loss. You flop here. You flop there. People start to say shit to you like “Wow, you look tired!” and “You should get some rest!” and you want to reply “I tried damn you!” but instead you just nod listlessly for it is all you have left energy-wise.

You somehow make it home without causing a massive accident that ends up on the news, or you have a great spouse/partner, or the bus offers you some respite. Home.

You skip a fancy dinner and just eat whatever the hell you have.

Grumble through the shower, and you skip flossing (you shouldn’t do that, but I get it).

Finally you wearily lay down. Most times this is the end, and you get your 8 hours or 7 hours, or if you’re lucky and it is Friday maybe you relive your teenage years and get an insane amount like 10 hours.

Or… you suddenly have all the energy you lacked. Now you’re getting desperate. Now it is time for the big guns. The next day is a damn blur. If you go to work, you are probably insane. I know I am. The operational procedures of the day go from “Try to survive” to “Don’t lose your job” as every task, every event, every need, every single thing is like a dagger to you.

No, fuck your printer, it can fix itself. I know the spiders are watching me from the server room, and I bet they’re the ones who misplaced my stapler! Oh god, the filing cabinet, I thought that was a person! The end result is usually the same. Welcome home sleepy head. Ready for another night of torture?

Or is tonight the crash?

Crashing out feels so strange. You are awake one moment, and the next you wake up. Sometimes you didn’t even make it to the shower or undress for your nightwear. Sometimes you wake up face down on the bed in the same position you landed in. Sometimes you wake up as if you did everything normally before bed! Who knows!

But what you do know is that it is the day after the crash. Your head splits hard, your eyes bleary to the world, your nose feels stuffed and congested and by god will someone turn off that racket! Oh, that racket was you. Snoring yourself awake.

You look at the clock, and you slept through your first alarm. Shit. Get ready for work! Every step is a stumble. Your brain is working at half speed, your thoughts jumbled, your words mumbled, by god what is going on do you have Alzheimer’s now?! No. You have the crash. You are now in the after-effects of the big crash.

You are so tired today. You make it in. You feel worse than yesterday but better at the same time. Maybe you are lucky and it really is the weekend by now. If it is you just stay in bed and nap the day away. If it is not, it surely must be Thursday or Friday by now, and so the weekend is close enough you can feel the bliss of forgoing responsibilities to take care of yourself.

In any case the Crash Daze begins. The sort of miasma of a world-weary tiredness envelopes you, and your day goes by fairly slowly. You’re still raw and irritable, but you also might feel like you barely give a damn about anything going on. You have a bit of a zen about you. Your second night of sleep finally arrives, and with it is day two of the aftermath. Assuming you don’t get hit with the sleepless terror a second night, this day also feels slightly off but more normal. Everything seems clear.

It’s finally over.

Until it repeats again.